Snowboard Club UK (SCUK)
SCUK Inn - AMUSING Jokes :
winterfunman - Jan 20, 2011 - 11:22 PM
Post subject: AMUSING Jokes :
Apparently Garr Glitter wants to be the next Aston Villa manger as he has heard , the players are YOUNG, BENT and possibly KEANE 
I met a girl in a park , there was an instant spark between us , she instantly dropped to her knees and laid on the grass, as we made sweet love , i thought ... those taiser gun was well worth the money .. 
Sidget - Jan 20, 2011 - 11:27 PM
Post subject: RE: AMUSING Jokes :
What happens if you pour self-raising flour on an orphan?
mini. - Jan 20, 2011 - 11:39 PM
Post subject: RE: AMUSING Jokes :
how many donkeys can you get in a fire engine?
5.
2 in the front
2 in the back
and 1 one the roof going eyore eyore eyore
woody2shooz - Jan 21, 2011 - 04:01 AM
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I like that one Sidget, thank you.
Q. why can't you get 2 elephants in a swimming pool?
A.
they only have 1 pair of trunks between them.
winterfunman - Jan 21, 2011 - 02:23 PM
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keep them coming ...clean ones only though
barryclava - Jan 21, 2011 - 03:19 PM
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What's brown and sticky?
Chaskis' hair after church on Sunday morning.
ChasKi - Jan 22, 2011 - 01:08 AM
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barryclava wrote:
words
You're so rad I wish I was you! 
annieredding - Jan 22, 2011 - 02:17 AM
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2 fish in a tank.
First says to the second; 'How'd you drive this thing then?'
muffy_ - Jan 23, 2011 - 11:33 AM
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It's the 2012 Olympics in London.
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman want to get in but don't have tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate, "McLeish, Scotland, discus" he says, and walks in.
The Englishman puts a scaffolding pole over his shoulder and says, "Jones, England, pole vault" , and walks in.
The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire, tucks it under his arm, " O'Leary, Ireland, fencing".
Sidget - Jan 23, 2011 - 02:23 PM
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How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No? Well, it's really nice, you should take a look sometime.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
A priest, a ministter and a rabbi all walk into a bar. Bars serve people of all religion.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did the cab driver say to the black man when he got in his taxi?
"Where to, sir?"
A seal walks into a club.
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor.
eddie_the_eagle - Jan 23, 2011 - 03:56 PM
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what do you call a black man who flys a plane?
a pilot
Sidget - Jan 23, 2011 - 04:39 PM
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A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and it is ruining his life.
Trigger85 - Jan 23, 2011 - 05:38 PM
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whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
i take my boots off to jump on a trampoline
whats blue and f**ks grannies?
me in my lucky blue coat
i only really know sick jokes so most are too bad to post on here
tortyv - Jan 24, 2011 - 10:43 AM
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Most of these jokes are just awful!! Where are you getting them from? Or are you just putting words together and calling it a joke!!!
Anyways here's my contribution:
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John... "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Sidget - Jan 24, 2011 - 12:13 PM
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Useless superpowers, pick one.
ace_mcgraw - Jan 24, 2011 - 12:22 PM
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Desaturation is my fave 
Sidget - Jan 24, 2011 - 12:29 PM
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I think i'd go with 1 second superstrength, that could actually be pretty useful!
POW!POW!POW! - Jan 24, 2011 - 02:22 PM
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Depends. What if you don't get to choose when the superpower kicks in? Could lead to a very painful, and compromising personal injury if you were caught 'flying solo'..
milky228 - Jan 24, 2011 - 09:07 PM
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"Igot a funny joke"
"what is it?"
"Pussy"
"i don't get it"
"and you never will"
The classics are the best.
craignixon - Jan 24, 2011 - 09:34 PM
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I wanna seduce hats!
winterfunman - Jan 24, 2011 - 10:53 PM
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milky228 wrote:
"Igot a funny joke"
"what is it?"
"Pussy"
"i don't get it"
"and you never will"
The classics are the best.
were you aiming this at sidget lol
Trev81 - Jan 25, 2011 - 12:03 PM
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annieredding wrote:
2 fish in a tank.
First says to the second; 'How'd you drive this thing then?'
One of my favourite jokes 
In retort
2 Lions walking through the park, one turns to the other and says "I thought it would be busy in the park today, i wonder where everyone is?"
The other lion turns to his friend and say "Bloody hell a talking lion!!!"
craignixon - Jan 25, 2011 - 12:13 PM
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What did Batman say to Robin just before they got in the car?
"Get in the car"
227angrydonkeys - Jan 26, 2011 - 05:33 PM
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so ive got this racing snail, hes top of his group, and i want to move him up to the next level, ive tried him on special performance diets but it doesnt really help. so i decided to save some weight. i took his shell off at the weekend, but if anything its made him more sluggish.
winterfunman - Feb 09, 2011 - 07:50 PM
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Women are like condoms , they spent more time in ya wallet , than on ya willy
annieredding - Feb 09, 2011 - 07:56 PM
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A jelly baby went to the doctor with hundreds and thousands all over his little jelly willy.
The doctor said 'what have you been up to?'
The jelly baby grinned and replied 'f*cking allsorts'
winterfunman - Feb 09, 2011 - 08:02 PM
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nice one annie ........ c u r more like me than you think lol 
annieredding - Feb 09, 2011 - 08:06 PM
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winterfunman - Feb 09, 2011 - 08:43 PM
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i just used your joke on fb lol ( but i gave you credit for it )
annieredding - Feb 09, 2011 - 08:51 PM
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good good!
barryclava - Feb 09, 2011 - 09:42 PM
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what's brown and sticky?
Michael J Fox opening a can of coke.
tortyv - Feb 10, 2011 - 08:19 AM
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your jokes suck almost as much as your insults
barryclava - Feb 10, 2011 - 11:55 AM
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Let's not get in to who sucks what now...
craignixon - Feb 10, 2011 - 12:43 PM
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That would be me hunny
winterfunman - Feb 14, 2011 - 05:31 PM
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A women buys anew t shirt , with "i love hip hop on it " upon showing her husband , he says they have misspelt the writing on your t shirt , there's a C and a S missing , you fatty
winterfunman - Mar 31, 2011 - 10:06 PM
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Paddy is doing some painting to keep his mrs happy , she pops in to see hows hes doing , she says paddy , your getting on a treat , she then notices him sweating like a pig ...she enquires , why have you got so many jackets on ????
He replies , it says on the paint tin ...FOR BEST RESUTLS .....PUT TWO COATS
winterfunman - Mar 31, 2011 - 10:07 PM
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TWO MEN SAT IN A PUB CHATTING , one says i have had to promise the gf i will marry her in summer , so she will let me sleep with her , mate replies JULY ,other mate says ov course
Sidget - Mar 31, 2011 - 10:09 PM
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Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?
Cos jungle is massiv.
yes.
mountaingoat83 - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:10 AM
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What's the best cheese for hiding a horse?
Mascarpone.
flippant_guru - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:22 AM
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what do you call a monkey with a stick of tnt
a ba-BOOM
CjKit - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:26 AM
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How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?......
Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door
CjKit - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:27 AM
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How do you put an elephant in a fridge?......
Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door!
Ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, think I'm feeling slightly strange today!! 
flippant_guru - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:31 AM
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2 cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks
"does this taste funny?"
charlie - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:44 AM
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Why are there no gay people in Egypt? Because they're all in de-nile.
rob_vet69 - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:50 AM
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I was at an athletics event last week when someone walked past me with a giant stick on their shoulder.
I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No, I'm German - how'd you know my name was Walter?"
tortyv - Apr 01, 2011 - 05:36 PM
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I walked past a mental home today and could hear them shouting 13, 13, 13, 13,.... I wanted to know what was going on so I looked through a hole in the fence, some twort poked me in the eye and they all shouted 14, 14, 14,..!!
227angrydonkeys - Apr 01, 2011 - 05:47 PM
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flippant_guru wrote:
what do you call a monkey with a stick of tnt
a ba-BOOM
what do you call a monkey wit a frying pan?
a grilla.
my nan got ill last winter, the doctor said cover her in a mixture of cooking oil and wax. she went downhill really quickly after that.
a buddhist goes up to a burger van and says "can you make me one with everything".
winterfunman - Apr 01, 2011 - 05:50 PM
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vick that joke has been posted b4 .... do keep up and concentrate 
tortyv - Apr 01, 2011 - 05:52 PM
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whoops sorry
CjKit - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:13 PM
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15, 15, 15....
rob_vet69 - Apr 01, 2011 - 09:58 PM
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?
I don't know why you're shaking mate, she's going to eat me!
Sidget - Apr 14, 2011 - 11:52 AM
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When I die, I'd like to go quietly and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming, like his passengers.
CjKit - Apr 14, 2011 - 12:00 PM
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winterfunman - Apr 19, 2011 - 10:02 PM
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Kate Middleton was having a chat with the queen , she asked , what does it take to have a happy and long marriage ....queen replies , always wear a seat belt , and dont piss me off
winterfunman - Apr 20, 2011 - 06:05 PM
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PEN?
A man walk into a bar , and spot a fat bird stood near the bar , he politely ask her is she has a pen ? She replies eagerly i do , he replies , well dont you think you should get back to it before the farmer misses you ?
Sidget - Apr 20, 2011 - 08:31 PM
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Epic.
Man 1: Why are you so fat?
Man 2: It runs in my family
Man 1: Nobody runs in your family
winterfunman - Apr 20, 2011 - 09:15 PM
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The powers at be, sent my census form back today , i was furious to say the least . I answered their question , " Do you have any dependants? ", i answered , asylum seekers, smack heads, most of Liverpool, the cast of Jeremy Kyle show,the Tipton Taliban, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS AND half of eastern europe , BUT apparently , it wasn't an acceptable answer
winterfunman - Apr 24, 2011 - 11:02 AM
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My wife asked to me go out an buy something to make her looks sexi , so i went out and brought back a 12 pack of beer
winterfunman - Apr 24, 2011 - 11:03 AM
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I came home from work the other day , and the mrs was grinning like a cheshire cat , she annouced she had won a makeover , she like the one on channel 4 , i replied WHAT scrap heap challenge
Sidget - Apr 24, 2011 - 02:20 PM
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that is all
ChasKi - Apr 24, 2011 - 02:33 PM
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hahahaha
winterfunman - Apr 29, 2011 - 12:47 PM
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Kate Middleton was quizzed , upon what her first Royal duty will be ??
She replied , letting the Royal Jewels enter my Royal pussi
a quote not a joke
winterfunman - Jun 15, 2011 - 07:25 PM
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i ordered a penis enlarger last week , at a cost of £40 , it arrived today , and some ba$tard has sent me a magnifying glass
winterfunman - Jun 15, 2011 - 07:25 PM
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i went to the cash machine the other day , and a little old lady asked me to check her balance ...so i pushed her over
winterfunman - Jun 15, 2011 - 07:25 PM
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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy
J_Smith - Jun 15, 2011 - 08:16 PM
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Sidget wrote:
that is all
Thanks to snorting with laughter after seeing that, I just dropped a slice of malt-loaf heavily laden with butter on the middle of the keyboard of a macbook that belongs to my every house/possession proud mother.
tortyv - Jun 16, 2011 - 07:43 AM
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I liked the dwarf one and the old lady one.
The Leonardo Di Caprio one pretty cool too.
winterfunman - Jul 28, 2011 - 04:32 PM
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My wife, told me a few weeks ago, to get a penis enlarger .... so i have ..she's 21 and called Lucy
ciaren - Jul 28, 2011 - 07:20 PM
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5,000 men were asked to complete a servey on what they likes best about oral sex.
a: 3% like the warmth
b: 4% enjoyed the sensation
c: 9£% appreciated the silence
and a youtube vid i saw ages ago, always makes me chuckle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz82fjXqFQ4
snowboardinghero - Jul 28, 2011 - 08:42 PM
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At least now Amy Winehouse can do her lines off the most shiny surface known to man.
Jade Goody's head.
snowbadger - Aug 12, 2011 - 02:43 PM
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very bad joke but here goes...
Where does kylie minogue buy her kebabs from ???....
...... Jason's Doner-van
winterfunman - Aug 21, 2011 - 04:13 PM
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My neighbour confronted me about her missing clothing of her washing line ..... i almost sh1t her pants
winterfunman - Aug 21, 2011 - 04:14 PM
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Apparently one of the male shark attack victims in the seychelles didnt suffer to much .....he had ONLY been married for 10 days
winterfunman - Aug 21, 2011 - 04:16 PM
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A man reported a dead ladies body to the police,that he had found in a field ....upon been asked how he found the body , he replied , her tits were ok , but the rigomortice had tightened her arse up to much for his liking
cwj - Aug 21, 2011 - 06:24 PM
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Off piste with friends when Jamie goes a little close to the ridge, loses his ballance and falls down some rocks. I run over and shout down "Are you okay? Did you break anything?" to which Jamie replies "THERE'S F*CK ALL DOWN HERE TO BREAK!"
This story is a work of fiction. For now.
winterfunman - Sep 23, 2011 - 06:41 PM
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My wife just came down stairs , winked at me , amd said i have just shaved my pussssay , so you know what that means < i replied THE PLUG HOLE IS BLOCKED
CjKit - Sep 23, 2011 - 06:46 PM
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winterfunman - Sep 23, 2011 - 08:32 PM
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A priest was driving along a country road , when he came across a dead pig , so he moved it over on to the verge , then called the police ...a cocky pc asked if he read the pigs its last rights , he said dont be stupid , i thought i would do the right thing and call its next of kin instead
murano3 - Sep 23, 2011 - 09:14 PM
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as 'Handy Woman' and began canvassing a nearby, well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well! I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch"he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded. "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she needed was inn the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband. "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded. "That's a bit cynical. Isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm beginning to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes, the blonde replied and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats"
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.
"And by the way." the blonde added. "It's not a porch,
It's a Lexus
murano3 - Sep 23, 2011 - 09:16 PM
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The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon
suite.
"Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk.
"Only one," replied the groom, "she won't take it up the arse."
murano3 - Sep 23, 2011 - 09:18 PM
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A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion
builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
murano3 - Sep 23, 2011 - 09:26 PM
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I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
murano3 - Sep 24, 2011 - 08:15 AM
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Ken came home from the pub late one night, drunk as a fart. He crawled into bed and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and nodded off.
He woke up during the night, and saw a man standing at the end of his bed. ''Who the hell are you?'' he said. ''I am St Peter''.
Ken looked at him with worry and replied ''What, do you mean i've died? I can't die i'm to young, I haven't even said goodbye to my family''.
St Peter looked at him and said '' I will reincarnate you, but... only as a Dog or a Hen. Your choice.''
Ken thought to himself and decided to come back as a hen. With a flash of light he was covered in feathers and was standing next to a rooster.
''So you’re the new hen then'' he said. ''Yep'' replied Ken. ''So how are you finding it?'' asked the rooster.
''Well I have got a really sharp pain in my belly, what is that?''
''You’re going to lay an egg, haven't you laid an egg before?'' the rooster said.
''No never'' replied Ken. The rooster looked at him and said ''Well just relax, breath and then push''.
Sure enough out popped an egg.
Feeling quite chuffed Ken did it again and again, but on the fourth turn he felt a slap on the back of his head.
He woke up with a shock, with his wife shouting
''KEN, GET UP YOU P1SS HEAD YOUR SH1TTING IN THE BED!!!''
murano3 - Sep 24, 2011 - 08:16 AM
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A husband and wife were setting up a password for their new computer. The husband put 'mypenis' and the wife fell on the floor lauging because it said "Error, not long enough"
winterfunman - Sep 24, 2011 - 09:21 AM
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A couple are set watching telly , when the guys starts flicking between porn and golf , then porn , after 5 mins she says stop it ...... leave porn on ....you already know how to play golf 
annieredding - Sep 24, 2011 - 06:15 PM
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BigDan - Sep 24, 2011 - 07:28 PM
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At first, when my wife left me, I was upset and lonely. Since then I've bought a dog, had two different women and spent a grand on drink and drugs!
She's going to go f*&king mental when she gets home from work!
JakeDurbs - Sep 24, 2011 - 11:19 PM
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Why do Giraffes have long necks?
Because their heads are really far from their bodies...
I'll get my coat...
winterfunman - Sep 25, 2011 - 05:18 PM
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A lady was persusing the new line of vibrators in a shop , when she came upon a large tartan coloured one , she told the assistant , that she would take it ........ he said oh no you wont , thats my thermos flask
winterfunman - Sep 29, 2011 - 09:12 PM
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a skeleton walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a mop
winterfunman - Oct 02, 2011 - 08:20 AM
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That's the last time i tell my girlfriend to sit on my face , in my Sean Connery voice
winterfunman - Oct 02, 2011 - 08:21 AM
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I was chatting to a girl in a night club , the other night , when she asked what i was tthinkiong , i replied , you remind me of my little toe ? she replied , why ?? cos im small and cute ? i replied no cos i may end up banging you on my coffee table later 
Sidget - Oct 03, 2011 - 10:26 AM
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I have wasted far too much time reading through these jokes... Whilst in my lecture.
TMueller13 - Oct 03, 2011 - 02:00 PM
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Um it's not 'clean' but you know the Belgian reputation for being pedophiles? ^^
I'm translating this one from German so maybe it's a little weird sounding (Germans love these Belgische Witze.. (if u can read German that's a bunch.. I think some of them r really funny lol)
Anyway - A German, an American and a Belgian are going down on the Titanic. The German says: Women and children first!.. The American says: F%^k the children!.. The Belgian says: But do we still have time for it?! ...bahaha... sorry, it's a fav of mine
tortyv - Oct 03, 2011 - 02:04 PM
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Wow those German jokes are ever so slightly wrong!
murano3 - Oct 03, 2011 - 03:26 PM
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD . The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
murano3 - Oct 03, 2011 - 03:28 PM
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A man and a women on a plane. every 3 minutes the women sneesed
and visibly shuddered for 10 seconds.
the man asked her if she was ok
"im sorry, i have a very rare medical condition, when ever
i sneeze i have a orgasm" the bloke said " are you taking anything for it?"
"yes" the women said "pepper"
murano3 - Oct 03, 2011 - 03:31 PM
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A guys hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40years of marriage. the hit man says i will shoot her just below the left tit, hubby says i want her dead not knee capped
winterfunman - Oct 20, 2011 - 08:04 PM
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Just bought my wife some crotchless knickers for halloween , nothing sexual , just to give her better grip on her broom stick
fundamental - Oct 20, 2011 - 08:59 PM
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Anyone heard about about Greece banning exports of hummous and taramosalata? Double dip recession.
winterfunman - Oct 21, 2011 - 03:49 PM
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A man calls 999 , and tells them his wife is dead , operator asks how do you know , man replies , well the sex is the same , but the ironing pile is building up
227angrydonkeys - Oct 21, 2011 - 05:28 PM
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thanks alot Libya, now we will never know the Colonels secret recipe.
winterfunman - Oct 27, 2011 - 04:11 PM
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ITV 2 Have just annouced their all new reality show for this winter , starring Elton John, George Michael, Michael Barrymore, Graham Norton and Alan Carr , its called " The Only Way Is ARSE SEX"
SnowHawk01 - Nov 07, 2011 - 01:20 AM
Post subject:
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
227angrydonkeys - Nov 07, 2011 - 01:23 AM
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what do you call a chav in an archery shop? bo selecta.
SnowHawk01 - Nov 07, 2011 - 01:25 AM
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Pmsl
SnowHawk01 - Nov 07, 2011 - 12:50 PM
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What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you f***in' lookin' at?"
winterfunman - Nov 07, 2011 - 07:07 PM
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12 meals for £10.00 , thats why mums go to iceland ..
16 year old girls jumping up and down for £10.00 , thats why dad's go to Thailand
winterfunman - Nov 07, 2011 - 07:08 PM
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Greek god Thor comes down to earth and makes love to a women with a lisp all weekend long ..... he then says I am THOR , she says Your thor / i cant even go for a piff
winterfunman - Nov 07, 2011 - 09:15 PM
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So 40% of men over 40 , suffer from errection problems ??
Looking at 40% of women over 40 , its not f##king hard to see why ....
JakeDurbs - Nov 08, 2011 - 07:54 AM
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Saw a fat girl in a club the other night with a T-shirt that said "I'm a Man Eater". I went over to her and tapped her on the shoulder, "excuse me love, about your T-shirt",
"let me guess, you're going to ask how many men I've eaten? You're all the same" she replies
"No not at all"
"Oh really?" she says starting to smile and lean in towards me
"Of course not. I was going to tell you that's not how you spell Manatee"
winterfunman - Nov 12, 2011 - 11:59 AM
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What 8" long and makes a man groan ever time a women touches it ??
A gear lever
winterfunman - Nov 18, 2011 - 09:49 PM
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ORDER NOW!! Radio 1 xmas cd cover version of songs you never thought you would hear :
Susan Boyle.... Dont you wish your gf was hot like me
Stevie Wonder ...I can see clearly now
John Terry.... Ebony and Ivory
Katie Price ...Like A Virgin
Rihanna.... Hit me baby , one more time
Michael Jackson ... The drugs dont work
Joseph Frtizl... Love shack
Stephen Hawkings ....im still standing
and many more
SnowHawk01 - Nov 25, 2011 - 06:18 PM
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Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
winterfunman - Nov 25, 2011 - 09:04 PM
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Fatima Whitbread was asked to give a urine sample b4 she went into the jungle , she failed , as her cock was to big to fit in the sample jar
winterfunman - Nov 25, 2011 - 09:05 PM
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Just seen Fatima Whitbread showering in the jungle , kept saying to myself don't get a bonner , don't get a bonner ..... But she did
winterfunman - Nov 27, 2011 - 10:36 AM
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The GF was complaining the other night , that we never have normal sex any more , and that all this porn star movie sex isnt her thing now ............................................................... trust her to start an argument in front of all my mates 
Sidget - Nov 27, 2011 - 11:10 AM
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My girlfriend decided to embarrass me in front of all my friends by telling them about my Pokemon obsession
It was super effective.
winterfunman - Nov 27, 2011 - 12:29 PM
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My friend has a problem to ...poke-em -yung
And poke-her-mom too
SnowHawk01 - Nov 30, 2011 - 09:40 PM
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What do naughty Pikachu do?
Answer: Peek-at-chu
How do you get a pikachu on a bus?
Awnser: you poke-im-on
Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Awnser: Because it was dead.
JakeDurbs - Dec 01, 2011 - 08:12 AM
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Why did the other koala fall out the tree?
I stapled it to the dead one.
winterfunman - Dec 28, 2011 - 11:38 PM
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Aman asked his wife , how come you dont tell me when you orgasm , wife replied , i dont like calling you @ work
charlie - Dec 30, 2011 - 01:45 PM
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A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The skeleton says, "a beer and a mop."
DereksDontRun - Jan 01, 2012 - 11:56 AM
Post subject: RE: Facebook joke
^spam?
winterfunman - Mar 18, 2012 - 10:44 PM
Post subject: RE: Facebook joke
My nephew just came out with this today at a family gathering " His best chat up line"........ Hi there you must be irish my dear ?....... cos my penis is DOUBLING